Posts
Dear Self,
What the fuck are you doing right now? Are you really going to blame 'analysis paralysis'? (It's fun just saying it isn't it) You keep thinking you have so much to do but can't do anything for it. Or you don't do anything for it. You just sit there doing nothing blaming it all on that. You already know what to do, you are smart enough to figure that out. Write it out, you have to do some work. You can't just do everything in your head and think that's good enough. You can't possibly think it's going to work. (As I'm writing this I realize I should type out what i need to do)
Well let's break it down and work it out here. Finances. You have that article that describes a certain money saving method. Follow that. Write out what you actually make then follow the formula. Not that fucking hard, but all you do is just think. think think think. take the time to sit down write it out. don't say you need an accountability partner to do it. you can force yourself to do it without the help of others.
Dating. Are you joining match are you not joining match? make up your mind already, you talk about how you're going to do it and it's going to be fun. you've already reviewed profiles and thought of what to say, or a general idea at least. stop doing it in your head and just do it. you've gone out, you've met new people. just last friday you went out to a bar. danced with new people and didn't follow up. although wasn't your fault you thought you were going to see them later that night, so we won't call that a fail. but you did have fun, need to now just do it and see what's out there. the timing of your bonus helps, now the money isn't an issue like you make it out to be.
Coding. Stop being all shiny penny about that bullshit. Pick one and study it. You need to, time is of the essence. You're losing money by not learning it. FUCK, sit down pay attention and just do it. You keep changing your mind about which system you're going to learn. You have been given a book for free, read it and learn.
Piano. Take the time to practice everyday and work for a piano stand. your desk does not count.
weird writing this letter trying to talk to you in the 4th(existential) person? Or is it 2nd?
to end, wake the fuck up and do your shit already. execute what you've been thinking already and get yours.
-yourself.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Goodbye, for now
Hi you,
January 2009, that month was the most exciting month I've had in a while. It's easy to remember that the 1st day of 2009 was the day we met, it was easy to keep track at how many days we'd known each other. What astonishes me is the roller coaster ride each day brought. Full of emotion, secrecy, wanting and this idea of something that only existed in movies. I've always been a sucker for romance movies, the ideal situation where everything lines up and it just works. The one's that pop into my head are Serendipity, When Harry Met Sally. Throughout the night we kept having moments of getting to know each other more: dancing together, walking by each other on the way to the bathroom, gambling at craps. Each moment gave me a big smile. I had the idea that i just wanted to be friends but in my head i knew i wanted you. You have a bubbly personality complimented by your beautiful brain. Then after we had a great conversation to end the night. I can't stop thinking about that night, January 1st of 2009.
Then we started talking on the phone till the late hours of the night. I discussed my plans to end it with your friend because i knew i wasn't wanting something. the distance was an excuse, i just wasn't attracted. it just didn't feel right when she was with me. and i knew it too, everything seemed force and i had to just deal with it till she left.
you and i started off with good intentions possibly hiding our inner feelings or just straight lying to ourselves. thinking we could be friends. i know for sure that i wanted something from you, what that was i don't still. but that day it all switched i can't forget. I had an offsite meeting with two of my female coworkers at a venue. then we had drinks after, they asked of my life and my girl situation. assuming there was one, i told them of vegas. they called it shady and that it needed to end. but i didn't feel we were doing anything wrong or just didn't want to accept the fact that they were right. if i was an outsider i'd shout shady business. but then i would realize it's different being the one in the situation. More on that thought later. I drive to Best Buy and call you, you're getting ready to go out. We discuss what my coworkers say and we both are like shit. *click* something in my head? my heart? Of those two something clicks now we're in total like of each other! Freakin' crazy. The passion for you is felt throughout my body, it makes total sense for me. The circumstances of our situation makes everything lame. How did we come about meeting this way, we had such chemistry from the beginning. Why couldn't it of happened at a different time? Lame if you ask me. This like for each other strengthens as each day passes. But still tied to the fact we're not allowed to be open, or at least you're not. Lying is hard to, and we shouldn't need to hide. As honest as we are with each other, it's countered by the biggest lie we're telling our selves. That this is right, that's why we can't enjoy it. But as the truth slaps me in the face I continue to take the hits, and keep wanting you in my life. You had to be the strong one, the one to make the right decision in the end.
I smile at the fact that i had feelings for someone. I turned a blind eye to all the signs that were popping up. Funny how something(like pussy, liking someone, lust, passion or whatever it is) will make someone go against their nature and do irrational things. I like to follow my heart or so i think that's what i'm doing. My friend asked me why i go all in with every girl i meet. I told her, I go all in cause how do i know she's not my future wifey?
There was one thing I wanted to tell you before the end. I did not get the chance because you had ended it just hours previously.
"If i was an outside observer and your close friend, I would tell you to drop the breezy (me). He isn't worth the trouble, and you guys haven't even started anything to feel bad about dropping."
Good bye, for now.
January 2009, that month was the most exciting month I've had in a while. It's easy to remember that the 1st day of 2009 was the day we met, it was easy to keep track at how many days we'd known each other. What astonishes me is the roller coaster ride each day brought. Full of emotion, secrecy, wanting and this idea of something that only existed in movies. I've always been a sucker for romance movies, the ideal situation where everything lines up and it just works. The one's that pop into my head are Serendipity, When Harry Met Sally. Throughout the night we kept having moments of getting to know each other more: dancing together, walking by each other on the way to the bathroom, gambling at craps. Each moment gave me a big smile. I had the idea that i just wanted to be friends but in my head i knew i wanted you. You have a bubbly personality complimented by your beautiful brain. Then after we had a great conversation to end the night. I can't stop thinking about that night, January 1st of 2009.
Then we started talking on the phone till the late hours of the night. I discussed my plans to end it with your friend because i knew i wasn't wanting something. the distance was an excuse, i just wasn't attracted. it just didn't feel right when she was with me. and i knew it too, everything seemed force and i had to just deal with it till she left.
you and i started off with good intentions possibly hiding our inner feelings or just straight lying to ourselves. thinking we could be friends. i know for sure that i wanted something from you, what that was i don't still. but that day it all switched i can't forget. I had an offsite meeting with two of my female coworkers at a venue. then we had drinks after, they asked of my life and my girl situation. assuming there was one, i told them of vegas. they called it shady and that it needed to end. but i didn't feel we were doing anything wrong or just didn't want to accept the fact that they were right. if i was an outsider i'd shout shady business. but then i would realize it's different being the one in the situation. More on that thought later. I drive to Best Buy and call you, you're getting ready to go out. We discuss what my coworkers say and we both are like shit. *click* something in my head? my heart? Of those two something clicks now we're in total like of each other! Freakin' crazy. The passion for you is felt throughout my body, it makes total sense for me. The circumstances of our situation makes everything lame. How did we come about meeting this way, we had such chemistry from the beginning. Why couldn't it of happened at a different time? Lame if you ask me. This like for each other strengthens as each day passes. But still tied to the fact we're not allowed to be open, or at least you're not. Lying is hard to, and we shouldn't need to hide. As honest as we are with each other, it's countered by the biggest lie we're telling our selves. That this is right, that's why we can't enjoy it. But as the truth slaps me in the face I continue to take the hits, and keep wanting you in my life. You had to be the strong one, the one to make the right decision in the end.
I smile at the fact that i had feelings for someone. I turned a blind eye to all the signs that were popping up. Funny how something(like pussy, liking someone, lust, passion or whatever it is) will make someone go against their nature and do irrational things. I like to follow my heart or so i think that's what i'm doing. My friend asked me why i go all in with every girl i meet. I told her, I go all in cause how do i know she's not my future wifey?
There was one thing I wanted to tell you before the end. I did not get the chance because you had ended it just hours previously.
"If i was an outside observer and your close friend, I would tell you to drop the breezy (me). He isn't worth the trouble, and you guys haven't even started anything to feel bad about dropping."
Good bye, for now.
subj: oh man
I was thinking I’d be able to resist trying to bother you. Like I’m doing good not texting haha.
Ok so . Right now
I drank the whole bottle we left the time you were in here, I was trying not to smoke. So I just smoked , haha funny right. Watched san jose sharks hockey, saw the warriors lose bad. And I want to work but right now, I just viewed some personals on craigslist, looked at my match.com profiles and checked out that girl (girl1), oh man. I definitely put that girl on this different level. I saw a photo of her today (one.jpg). Ok two reactions, first was hmm cute. 2nd I like her. Hahaha there was a delay between the two, but yeah. I feel like a role reversal with her, she’s avoiding me cause we discussed to avoid each other. I messaged her this past Friday or Saturday I believe, complementing her score on typing race cause she has way more money than I do. (just added Nouvelle Vauge to itunes then played a few games of typing race on FB hahha shit shiny penny for real.) and commenting about the tv show LOST. Hahaha I thought enough time passed that we can be friends, but I guess she doesn’t want to talk to me cause of (girl2). I have to stop testing her and just let her not be in contact with me. (girl2) said (girl1) should of understood that I was off limits, that it was tacit knowledge (girl2) claimed me. (Haha I hope that’s the right way to use that word right in a sentence.) (played video games now it’s 1am shit, time flew by. It was 1030 when I started this thing. Now I’m in my room and I just thought about what you said about how you’re into music. All this music you’re introducing me, I didn’t even have a hint to who these people were. Then it hit me, you DO know you’re music, it’s tripping me out right now. I’m very excited actually, a big smile did come across my face. Haha it was awesome, yes I love music too but I don’t get music. For me I like music I don’t pay attention to? Does that make sense, it’s like I like all music the one’s I don’ tlike are the one’s I notice. So yeah. But some I get into, like really get into. )
Anyways. I’m over what was typing previously. I don’t feel that way anymore. Haha. But it’s crazy to be aware of the influx of my emotions. But yes, I also feel so happy my mouth throws up all this information, I’m not even thinking of censoring I’m just typing!!!! Fuck, this is how I use to write my blogs. But now everyone is watching can’t be as free as you’d like. I book marked your play list. The keywords I used were “imeem” “playlists” I plan on bookmarking a lot from this site. I used it before but now I’m going to really use it. Fuck my itunes. Haha I’m flashing back to my pandora days. Oh joy.
And yes. Jazz is what I’m even more excited about. As I listen to this music, “no mercy for me” I’m listening to the piano.
Ok so . Right now
I drank the whole bottle we left the time you were in here, I was trying not to smoke. So I just smoked , haha funny right. Watched san jose sharks hockey, saw the warriors lose bad. And I want to work but right now, I just viewed some personals on craigslist, looked at my match.com profiles and checked out that girl (girl1), oh man. I definitely put that girl on this different level. I saw a photo of her today (one.jpg). Ok two reactions, first was hmm cute. 2nd I like her. Hahaha there was a delay between the two, but yeah. I feel like a role reversal with her, she’s avoiding me cause we discussed to avoid each other. I messaged her this past Friday or Saturday I believe, complementing her score on typing race cause she has way more money than I do. (just added Nouvelle Vauge to itunes then played a few games of typing race on FB hahha shit shiny penny for real.) and commenting about the tv show LOST. Hahaha I thought enough time passed that we can be friends, but I guess she doesn’t want to talk to me cause of (girl2). I have to stop testing her and just let her not be in contact with me. (girl2) said (girl1) should of understood that I was off limits, that it was tacit knowledge (girl2) claimed me. (Haha I hope that’s the right way to use that word right in a sentence.) (played video games now it’s 1am shit, time flew by. It was 1030 when I started this thing. Now I’m in my room and I just thought about what you said about how you’re into music. All this music you’re introducing me, I didn’t even have a hint to who these people were. Then it hit me, you DO know you’re music, it’s tripping me out right now. I’m very excited actually, a big smile did come across my face. Haha it was awesome, yes I love music too but I don’t get music. For me I like music I don’t pay attention to? Does that make sense, it’s like I like all music the one’s I don’ tlike are the one’s I notice. So yeah. But some I get into, like really get into. )
Anyways. I’m over what was typing previously. I don’t feel that way anymore. Haha. But it’s crazy to be aware of the influx of my emotions. But yes, I also feel so happy my mouth throws up all this information, I’m not even thinking of censoring I’m just typing!!!! Fuck, this is how I use to write my blogs. But now everyone is watching can’t be as free as you’d like. I book marked your play list. The keywords I used were “imeem” “playlists” I plan on bookmarking a lot from this site. I used it before but now I’m going to really use it. Fuck my itunes. Haha I’m flashing back to my pandora days. Oh joy.
And yes. Jazz is what I’m even more excited about. As I listen to this music, “no mercy for me” I’m listening to the piano.
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