Goodbye, for now

Hi you,

January 2009, that month was the most exciting month I've had in a while. It's easy to remember that the 1st day of 2009 was the day we met, it was easy to keep track at how many days we'd known each other. What astonishes me is the roller coaster ride each day brought. Full of emotion, secrecy, wanting and this idea of something that only existed in movies. I've always been a sucker for romance movies, the ideal situation where everything lines up and it just works. The one's that pop into my head are Serendipity, When Harry Met Sally. Throughout the night we kept having moments of getting to know each other more: dancing together, walking by each other on the way to the bathroom, gambling at craps. Each moment gave me a big smile. I had the idea that i just wanted to be friends but in my head i knew i wanted you. You have a bubbly personality complimented by your beautiful brain. Then after we had a great conversation to end the night. I can't stop thinking about that night, January 1st of 2009.

Then we started talking on the phone till the late hours of the night. I discussed my plans to end it with your friend because i knew i wasn't wanting something. the distance was an excuse, i just wasn't attracted. it just didn't feel right when she was with me. and i knew it too, everything seemed force and i had to just deal with it till she left.

you and i started off with good intentions possibly hiding our inner feelings or just straight lying to ourselves. thinking we could be friends. i know for sure that i wanted something from you, what that was i don't still. but that day it all switched i can't forget. I had an offsite meeting with two of my female coworkers at a venue. then we had drinks after, they asked of my life and my girl situation. assuming there was one, i told them of vegas. they called it shady and that it needed to end. but i didn't feel we were doing anything wrong or just didn't want to accept the fact that they were right. if i was an outsider i'd shout shady business. but then i would realize it's different being the one in the situation. More on that thought later. I drive to Best Buy and call you, you're getting ready to go out. We discuss what my coworkers say and we both are like shit. *click* something in my head? my heart? Of those two something clicks now we're in total like of each other! Freakin' crazy. The passion for you is felt throughout my body, it makes total sense for me. The circumstances of our situation makes everything lame. How did we come about meeting this way, we had such chemistry from the beginning. Why couldn't it of happened at a different time? Lame if you ask me. This like for each other strengthens as each day passes. But still tied to the fact we're not allowed to be open, or at least you're not. Lying is hard to, and we shouldn't need to hide. As honest as we are with each other, it's countered by the biggest lie we're telling our selves. That this is right, that's why we can't enjoy it. But as the truth slaps me in the face I continue to take the hits, and keep wanting you in my life. You had to be the strong one, the one to make the right decision in the end.

I smile at the fact that i had feelings for someone. I turned a blind eye to all the signs that were popping up. Funny how something(like pussy, liking someone, lust, passion or whatever it is) will make someone go against their nature and do irrational things. I like to follow my heart or so i think that's what i'm doing. My friend asked me why i go all in with every girl i meet. I told her, I go all in cause how do i know she's not my future wifey?


There was one thing I wanted to tell you before the end. I did not get the chance because you had ended it just hours previously.

"If i was an outside observer and your close friend, I would tell you to drop the breezy (me). He isn't worth the trouble, and you guys haven't even started anything to feel bad about dropping."


Good bye, for now.