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Dear Jack-In-The-Box's Steak and Eggs Breakfast Burrito,
Fuck You. You suck.
This should be the end of my letter because you don't deserve to be spoken to. I risked comfortable for you, and this is how I'm rewarded? By tasting so bad, I regretted you instantly then I thought back as to how I came to fucking choosing you.I said fucking because you suck remember?
I was in a wedding this weekend and traveled from Sacramento in the morning back to Emeryville. I thought it would be better for me to drive in the morning as opposed to risking driving at night. As I got ready in the morning I planned my trip and knew I had to get gas at some point as well as a nice cup of starbucks coffee. Starbucks coffee, a comfortable decision and one that I know the outcome will be satisfying.
Vacaville.
Oh the Vacaville outlets mall, the original outlet mall before there was Gilroy or Barstow. I remember when I was younger driving with my parents and other families on a ridiculously long car drive to this hot hot hot place. sweating and walking, sweating and shopping (i mean watching my mom shop). Now as an adult I knew for sure there would be a starbucks and every fast food joint imaginable. While driving to the gas station and filling up my tank i see McDonalds. Hmm Mcdonalds, sausage mcmuffin with egg, 2 hash browns and an oj. Been doing that combo since I knew what McDonalds was. SAFE, super dooper safe. but the thought of biting into the soft muffin made me feel sick. i want something yummy at the first bite. i don't want something soft and soggy and tasting like old bread. BK, sure why not i've done that before. Carl's Jr. wow they have this ridiculous breakfast sandwich with hash browns, bacon, sausage and other crap. That was delicious before but thinking about it now gave me a heart attack. Gas tank filled now i'm driving to the other side of the freeway where i know there is a starbucks. Crap, driving past the fast food joints, knowing me i'm going to be too lazy to want to drive back this way.
The other side of the freeway.
Jack-In-The-Box. I knew i could order any item at any time of the day. If i so please, i could have 2 tacos and a sourdough jack. I am an adult i get to make those kind of awesome decisions. But no, I want breakfast! Crap no other joint is open on this side looks like Jack-In-The-Box you're the winner. Found the starbucks ordered my coffee with toffee nut (you: try it, it's sweet and delicious but not too sweet like hazelnut). Drove up to the jbox (too lazy to type it all out and formal) and was reviewing the menu. Holy shit there are a lot of choices, I wasn't prepared for so many choices. The combo numbers started so high too, i'm used to mcdonalds where breakfast combos started at #1 (comfortable). this one started at #17 or something ridiculously high like that. The menu was shoved all the way to the right and it had a 2 column layout. There you were, mr. Steak and Eggs Breakfast Burrito and your counter part some other shitty breakfast burrito. your display box was bigger than the other ones. Your #25 was a bigger font size than the others. I will consider you but let me keep looking. "Welcome to jbox can i take your order?" [internal monologue:] "SHIT! wait, um, crap wait i haven't finished reading, ok ask for more time. you always ask for more time" [end internal monologue]
"Can i get a #25 with orange juice please."
[internal monologue] "what? what the fuck is #25? Steak and Eggs Burrito. well it looks good. so much for asking for more time, dumbass"[end internal monologue]
Paid. Drank my coffee and left the drive thru. Pulled up and since there was no one in the parking lot i decided to not park correctly and just park over 3 spots. I needed to get myself organized since i wasn't going to stop again till i got home. Hmm, i'm going to listen to NPR and eat while i drive and drink some yummy coffee. Naturally I smoked. I wanted to enjoy this car ride and enjoy this mysterious #25. Enjoyed my M and was also nibbling on the hash browns. #25 you're starting off as a smart decision. Put my paraphernalia away and unwrapped you, Jack-In-The-Box's Steak and Eggs Breakfast Burrito, and laid you on my lap. Why official and proper all of a sudden? Well i hate you but since this is the defining moment of the whole story I wanted to greet you properly one last time before I trash your name.
I turn out of parking lot onto the road and pick you up from my lap and took my first bite. mmmmm tortilla delicious. Another bite, OOOOH GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? oh shit, of all the fucking choices i had. of all the comfortable choices i could of made this morning I chose Number Fucking Twenty Five. Omg i just died a little inside, oh god I"M SOBER! that's how terrible you tasted. you tasted so bad i instantly became sober.
i hate you. i will only return to Jbox when I am drunk/high/pulling an all nighter. none of this conscious, right frame of mind bullshit ordering from the breakfast menu that starts it's combos at #17.
If i wasn't a "green" man, i would of thrown you out of my window with your wrapper still on. But i gave you a proper burial in the garbage can at my apartment.
Fuck You. You Suck.
-me
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
i want to move past being acquaintances
Dear My Style,
Many years now we've played the game, tip toeing around the situation. Both knowing that we need to work together and be together. I thought I've been helping to define you, but you're just stubborn and can't make up your mind as to what you want to be. Maybe I'm not being a good sugar daddy by not spoiling you with all the latest and trendiest fashions. I'm working on that, my new plan is once a month buy you something nice. I'll work every part of the body, first will be shoes, then another pair of pants.
This is my strategy since my love for you has changed over the years. I plan on taking out ALL the clothes I don't see myself wearing from the closet. Whatever my mom doesn't take for my dad I'll sell at a used close store. Oh snap, I can use that money to buy something! Not porn, but clothes, I don't even buy porn so why did I say that? My Style I wish you were more like My Porn though, free to download and in wide variety. Imagine if I could just download my clothes without paying for it. Oh how awesome you'd be. I digress. My Style what do you want to become? Do you change with the seasons or change depending on who I am at the time? Possibly both, the question is what are you right now?
You seem to have a comfortable, everyday wear, casual thing going. With a tshirt/polo/buttoned-up shirt, jeans and skate shoes. I’m more or less telling you now who you are so just deal with it, since you are My Style. Now dressing up has always been fun, shit, I’m going to work tomorrow in a tuxedo. You’re making your presence felt that day when I look dapper in my tuxedo.
Now what about that? My Style being dapper. I feel we can pull that off and possibly already do with the limited clothes that we are keeping. But soon my closet will have more room for new friends, I’ve never considered accessories. The only accessories I’d buy are sunglasses, WATCHES, and cologne. The watch has always been something I love to wear, I love to read time, and I’ve always wanted to own nice, sophisticated watch. I read last week in the Times Magazine that my gay crush and hero, John Mayer, is an avid watch collector and wearer. He told the reporter, ‘‘I can pack a little roll of watches and wake up in the morning in Milwaukee and look at the watches and go, ‘Who do I want to be today through this one piece?’ It dictates a little bit of the mood.’’
That’s who you should be with My Style, you should get together with My Mood and decide on a day to day basis who/what you are going to be that day. In the future when I get rich, you, My Mood and My Many Many Snazzy Watches can work together to decide that. Till that time comes just be sharp for right now, ever growing. Just remember inspiration comes from the people you interact with and who’s style you jock.
-Me
Many years now we've played the game, tip toeing around the situation. Both knowing that we need to work together and be together. I thought I've been helping to define you, but you're just stubborn and can't make up your mind as to what you want to be. Maybe I'm not being a good sugar daddy by not spoiling you with all the latest and trendiest fashions. I'm working on that, my new plan is once a month buy you something nice. I'll work every part of the body, first will be shoes, then another pair of pants.
This is my strategy since my love for you has changed over the years. I plan on taking out ALL the clothes I don't see myself wearing from the closet. Whatever my mom doesn't take for my dad I'll sell at a used close store. Oh snap, I can use that money to buy something! Not porn, but clothes, I don't even buy porn so why did I say that? My Style I wish you were more like My Porn though, free to download and in wide variety. Imagine if I could just download my clothes without paying for it. Oh how awesome you'd be. I digress. My Style what do you want to become? Do you change with the seasons or change depending on who I am at the time? Possibly both, the question is what are you right now?
You seem to have a comfortable, everyday wear, casual thing going. With a tshirt/polo/buttoned-up shirt, jeans and skate shoes. I’m more or less telling you now who you are so just deal with it, since you are My Style. Now dressing up has always been fun, shit, I’m going to work tomorrow in a tuxedo. You’re making your presence felt that day when I look dapper in my tuxedo.
Now what about that? My Style being dapper. I feel we can pull that off and possibly already do with the limited clothes that we are keeping. But soon my closet will have more room for new friends, I’ve never considered accessories. The only accessories I’d buy are sunglasses, WATCHES, and cologne. The watch has always been something I love to wear, I love to read time, and I’ve always wanted to own nice, sophisticated watch. I read last week in the Times Magazine that my gay crush and hero, John Mayer, is an avid watch collector and wearer. He told the reporter, ‘‘I can pack a little roll of watches and wake up in the morning in Milwaukee and look at the watches and go, ‘Who do I want to be today through this one piece?’ It dictates a little bit of the mood.’’
That’s who you should be with My Style, you should get together with My Mood and decide on a day to day basis who/what you are going to be that day. In the future when I get rich, you, My Mood and My Many Many Snazzy Watches can work together to decide that. Till that time comes just be sharp for right now, ever growing. Just remember inspiration comes from the people you interact with and who’s style you jock.
-Me
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
to you, Burnko
Dear Burnko,
This week, we’re going to figure out how to do webcam. And if you don’t have one, we can do it one way, you can view what I broadcast. I want to webcam cause I want you to help me look snazzy! It saves money, we don’t have to pay for toll or gas to see each other.
I like my style but I still like it to be verified by someone. And by someone I mean a girl. Right?
I mean shit, you go out looking good cause you want to be noticed and have people think/say, “damn, she looks good right now. I verify her outfit.” (haha ok not the latter sentence)
You in?
Wait actually I can’t. Wed night I have warriors game. And thurs night goodbye dinner with coworker. Snap. Haha should of thought about this before I wrote email. Look into my brain, call the librarian and wait for her to find out what I’m doing Wed and Thurs.
But I did have a blast writing this email.
The new reason why I’m writing this email, is to say:
“Good Morning Burnko”
-Me
This week, we’re going to figure out how to do webcam. And if you don’t have one, we can do it one way, you can view what I broadcast. I want to webcam cause I want you to help me look snazzy! It saves money, we don’t have to pay for toll or gas to see each other.
I like my style but I still like it to be verified by someone. And by someone I mean a girl. Right?
I mean shit, you go out looking good cause you want to be noticed and have people think/say, “damn, she looks good right now. I verify her outfit.” (haha ok not the latter sentence)
You in?
Wait actually I can’t. Wed night I have warriors game. And thurs night goodbye dinner with coworker. Snap. Haha should of thought about this before I wrote email. Look into my brain, call the librarian and wait for her to find out what I’m doing Wed and Thurs.
But I did have a blast writing this email.
The new reason why I’m writing this email, is to say:
“Good Morning Burnko”
-Me
I've missed you, all of you
Dear Snow, Snowboarding, Mountains, & Views that make me feel alive,
It's been a long time since I've seen you guys. It's not that I didn't want to see you or do you or be with you or feel you but you know when trying to save money you're the first to go. But this last weekend was amazing. I forgot how much I loved all of you. Two days straight was not enough. I was able to bond with 4 other co-workers as well. I cooked and impressed them as well, but you know I love to cook regardless. Besides all that, when we were at the resort and riding the chair lifts to the top the rush came back to me. I inhaled the winter air and just smiled, I knew I belonged there. As I rose above the trees to the top the view was endless. Again I smiled, you'll notice my dear friends that I smiled a lot that day because of you. The first lift was coming to an end and my heart started to pound just a little bit faster. Instinct kicked in and I prepared myself on how to get off the lift, "stand up straight, stand still and ride it out."
Helmet and strap, check. Goggles, check. Music playing, check. Gloves sealed, check. Lock in, stand up, take a deep breath and go, quadruple check. The brisk air hitting my face, feeling the snow below me, oh yes I remember now. "Faster, faster" I demanded. I tucked myself in and fucking owned that shit. I could hear Bobby exclaim from my right, "WOOOOT!" Soon everyone was crying out their own battle cries, the trip officially had started.
Up and down we went, not repeating a single run. Trying a new route each time, traversing over ridges, and cornices. Dodging and weaving through the trees, getting stuck in the occasional deep powder. Powder which I was more than happy to get stuck in and think how happy I was to dig myself out. Mr. Mountain I don't like your friend, Mr. Flatspot, he was annoying and could of done without dealing with him. But let's not focus on the negative, this letter is all about positives. Remember that time I dropped in on that dirty cornice? I thought it was soft powder right below but oh no, you tricked me and it was really packed and hard snow. I accepted your challenge with ease, leaned back and rode it out.
I remember one time as Britney Spears was screaming, "you're a womanizer, oh womanizer" I was bobbing my head to the beat, singing when all of a sudden I hit this lip that I did not carve correctly, falling and sliding for a long while. I gave a quick chuckle remembering Mr. Snow you're much softer to fall on than concrete. How forgiving you are for me experimenting with switch and jumps letting me fall and encouraging me to try again. Freeboding has helped me understand my weight distribution was incorrect, I've been favoring my back leg. A few adjustments to my stance on my binding fixed that issue. Every time I'm up there with you guys, no matter how much I think I have it down, I learn something new about snowboarding. Was I not executing the 180 because my hips weren't rotating faster than my upper body? Brilliant.
Even though I was with a group of friends, I was all alone that day. Alone with my thoughts, music playing as a soundtrack to the internal discussions going on in my head. Who was I the last time I went snowboarding? I thought I was happy then, at a good place in my life. I had a girlfriend, was in love, doing a good job at my job. But now I realize, a lot has happened since the last time I snowboarded. My girlfriend and I broke up which was probably one of the best things to happen to me. Not because the fact I wasn't with her anymore, but because I was with me again. I was able to work on me and figure out exactly what I wanted to focus on. Now I'm doing a great job at my job, I have someone under me now. Whom I've taken under my wing and treated like a little brother. Cutting out the bullshit I had to sort through and teach him what he needs to know. Letting him crash when necessary, only to watch as he learns and become smarter each day. Forgive me Mr. Snow and others for I have digressed from my letter to you. But those are only some of what I thought being alone up there. A necessary escape for me from the real world, from all the goals I have set, from all the projects, from all the people in my life that were awaiting my return. I was tired and being back I am tired again. I'm always tired, thinking there aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish everything. But when I was up there with all of you, time was not a factor. My body and mind didn't want to just give up and concede victory (even after whining about my legs being on fire). No, I pushed myself till the very end and when they did not let us get back on the lift did I (we) stop.
Thank You. I smile again for what you have given me this weekend. My gusto for life is back.
-Me
It's been a long time since I've seen you guys. It's not that I didn't want to see you or do you or be with you or feel you but you know when trying to save money you're the first to go. But this last weekend was amazing. I forgot how much I loved all of you. Two days straight was not enough. I was able to bond with 4 other co-workers as well. I cooked and impressed them as well, but you know I love to cook regardless. Besides all that, when we were at the resort and riding the chair lifts to the top the rush came back to me. I inhaled the winter air and just smiled, I knew I belonged there. As I rose above the trees to the top the view was endless. Again I smiled, you'll notice my dear friends that I smiled a lot that day because of you. The first lift was coming to an end and my heart started to pound just a little bit faster. Instinct kicked in and I prepared myself on how to get off the lift, "stand up straight, stand still and ride it out."
Helmet and strap, check. Goggles, check. Music playing, check. Gloves sealed, check. Lock in, stand up, take a deep breath and go, quadruple check. The brisk air hitting my face, feeling the snow below me, oh yes I remember now. "Faster, faster" I demanded. I tucked myself in and fucking owned that shit. I could hear Bobby exclaim from my right, "WOOOOT!" Soon everyone was crying out their own battle cries, the trip officially had started.
Up and down we went, not repeating a single run. Trying a new route each time, traversing over ridges, and cornices. Dodging and weaving through the trees, getting stuck in the occasional deep powder. Powder which I was more than happy to get stuck in and think how happy I was to dig myself out. Mr. Mountain I don't like your friend, Mr. Flatspot, he was annoying and could of done without dealing with him. But let's not focus on the negative, this letter is all about positives. Remember that time I dropped in on that dirty cornice? I thought it was soft powder right below but oh no, you tricked me and it was really packed and hard snow. I accepted your challenge with ease, leaned back and rode it out.
I remember one time as Britney Spears was screaming, "you're a womanizer, oh womanizer" I was bobbing my head to the beat, singing when all of a sudden I hit this lip that I did not carve correctly, falling and sliding for a long while. I gave a quick chuckle remembering Mr. Snow you're much softer to fall on than concrete. How forgiving you are for me experimenting with switch and jumps letting me fall and encouraging me to try again. Freeboding has helped me understand my weight distribution was incorrect, I've been favoring my back leg. A few adjustments to my stance on my binding fixed that issue. Every time I'm up there with you guys, no matter how much I think I have it down, I learn something new about snowboarding. Was I not executing the 180 because my hips weren't rotating faster than my upper body? Brilliant.
Even though I was with a group of friends, I was all alone that day. Alone with my thoughts, music playing as a soundtrack to the internal discussions going on in my head. Who was I the last time I went snowboarding? I thought I was happy then, at a good place in my life. I had a girlfriend, was in love, doing a good job at my job. But now I realize, a lot has happened since the last time I snowboarded. My girlfriend and I broke up which was probably one of the best things to happen to me. Not because the fact I wasn't with her anymore, but because I was with me again. I was able to work on me and figure out exactly what I wanted to focus on. Now I'm doing a great job at my job, I have someone under me now. Whom I've taken under my wing and treated like a little brother. Cutting out the bullshit I had to sort through and teach him what he needs to know. Letting him crash when necessary, only to watch as he learns and become smarter each day. Forgive me Mr. Snow and others for I have digressed from my letter to you. But those are only some of what I thought being alone up there. A necessary escape for me from the real world, from all the goals I have set, from all the projects, from all the people in my life that were awaiting my return. I was tired and being back I am tired again. I'm always tired, thinking there aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish everything. But when I was up there with all of you, time was not a factor. My body and mind didn't want to just give up and concede victory (even after whining about my legs being on fire). No, I pushed myself till the very end and when they did not let us get back on the lift did I (we) stop.
Thank You. I smile again for what you have given me this weekend. My gusto for life is back.
-Me
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