#25 is the new lame

Dear Jack-In-The-Box's Steak and Eggs Breakfast Burrito,

Fuck You. You suck.

This should be the end of my letter because you don't deserve to be spoken to. I risked comfortable for you, and this is how I'm rewarded? By tasting so bad, I regretted you instantly then I thought back as to how I came to fucking choosing you.I said fucking because you suck remember?

I was in a wedding this weekend and traveled from Sacramento in the morning back to Emeryville. I thought it would be better for me to drive in the morning as opposed to risking driving at night. As I got ready in the morning I planned my trip and knew I had to get gas at some point as well as a nice cup of starbucks coffee. Starbucks coffee, a comfortable decision and one that I know the outcome will be satisfying.

Vacaville.

Oh the Vacaville outlets mall, the original outlet mall before there was Gilroy or Barstow. I remember when I was younger driving with my parents and other families on a ridiculously long car drive to this hot hot hot place. sweating and walking, sweating and shopping (i mean watching my mom shop). Now as an adult I knew for sure there would be a starbucks and every fast food joint imaginable. While driving to the gas station and filling up my tank i see McDonalds. Hmm Mcdonalds, sausage mcmuffin with egg, 2 hash browns and an oj. Been doing that combo since I knew what McDonalds was. SAFE, super dooper safe. but the thought of biting into the soft muffin made me feel sick. i want something yummy at the first bite. i don't want something soft and soggy and tasting like old bread. BK, sure why not i've done that before. Carl's Jr. wow they have this ridiculous breakfast sandwich with hash browns, bacon, sausage and other crap. That was delicious before but thinking about it now gave me a heart attack. Gas tank filled now i'm driving to the other side of the freeway where i know there is a starbucks. Crap, driving past the fast food joints, knowing me i'm going to be too lazy to want to drive back this way.

The other side of the freeway.

Jack-In-The-Box. I knew i could order any item at any time of the day. If i so please, i could have 2 tacos and a sourdough jack. I am an adult i get to make those kind of awesome decisions. But no, I want breakfast! Crap no other joint is open on this side looks like Jack-In-The-Box you're the winner. Found the starbucks ordered my coffee with toffee nut (you: try it, it's sweet and delicious but not too sweet like hazelnut). Drove up to the jbox (too lazy to type it all out and formal) and was reviewing the menu. Holy shit there are a lot of choices, I wasn't prepared for so many choices. The combo numbers started so high too, i'm used to mcdonalds where breakfast combos started at #1 (comfortable). this one started at #17 or something ridiculously high like that. The menu was shoved all the way to the right and it had a 2 column layout. There you were, mr. Steak and Eggs Breakfast Burrito and your counter part some other shitty breakfast burrito. your display box was bigger than the other ones. Your #25 was a bigger font size than the others. I will consider you but let me keep looking. "Welcome to jbox can i take your order?" [internal monologue:] "SHIT! wait, um, crap wait i haven't finished reading, ok ask for more time. you always ask for more time" [end internal monologue]

"Can i get a #25 with orange juice please."

[internal monologue] "what? what the fuck is #25? Steak and Eggs Burrito. well it looks good. so much for asking for more time, dumbass"[end internal monologue]

Paid. Drank my coffee and left the drive thru. Pulled up and since there was no one in the parking lot i decided to not park correctly and just park over 3 spots. I needed to get myself organized since i wasn't going to stop again till i got home. Hmm, i'm going to listen to NPR and eat while i drive and drink some yummy coffee. Naturally I smoked. I wanted to enjoy this car ride and enjoy this mysterious #25. Enjoyed my M and was also nibbling on the hash browns. #25 you're starting off as a smart decision. Put my paraphernalia away and unwrapped you, Jack-In-The-Box's Steak and Eggs Breakfast Burrito, and laid you on my lap. Why official and proper all of a sudden? Well i hate you but since this is the defining moment of the whole story I wanted to greet you properly one last time before I trash your name.

I turn out of parking lot onto the road and pick you up from my lap and took my first bite. mmmmm tortilla delicious. Another bite, OOOOH GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? oh shit, of all the fucking choices i had. of all the comfortable choices i could of made this morning I chose Number Fucking Twenty Five. Omg i just died a little inside, oh god I"M SOBER! that's how terrible you tasted. you tasted so bad i instantly became sober.

i hate you. i will only return to Jbox when I am drunk/high/pulling an all nighter. none of this conscious, right frame of mind bullshit ordering from the breakfast menu that starts it's combos at #17.

If i wasn't a "green" man, i would of thrown you out of my window with your wrapper still on. But i gave you a proper burial in the garbage can at my apartment.

Fuck You. You Suck.

-me